The Fear of how we are Seen

I seem to spend far more time than is likely necessary worrying about what everyone I meet thinks of me, or would think of me in certain situations. For some reason, the social graces do not come easily to me, and I always seem to get awkward  responses from people I meet, or barely know.

I am a clumsy person, some days more than others, and this likely gives people the impression I am awkward physically. I also tend to think about things in far more depth than needed, which causes me to completely miss certain social cues, such as subtle jokes, until I seem to be either an idiot, or someone lacking any shred of humor. I also have a slight British accent, which tends to put a tinge of superiority in my voice, when I normally feel rather inferior to most people I know.

One of my friends recently gave me a peek into her mind on a daily basis. She expressed that every action she made, or conversation she had involved a massive amount of mental background noise, criticizing her actions, freaking out about other people’s responses and questioning the best course of action so animatedly, that she feared people would see the awkward freak-outs on her face. Yet, to talk to her, she seems highly composed, confident and reasonable.

In contrast, I only usually think of such situations when separate from people, in analysis of my own actions retrospectively, or thinking ahead to future actions and possible responses. Yet I am seen as a crazy, awkward weirdo. Perhaps it is my propensity to simply live and say what I want to, when I want to, and worry about the consequences later. Although I do not do all I want, I certainly tend to say exactly what I feel or think, even when it may make others uncomfortable or angry.

I’m a work in progress.

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