The Fear of how we are Seen

I seem to spend far more time than is likely necessary worrying about what everyone I meet thinks of me, or would think of me in certain situations. For some reason, the social graces do not come easily to me, and I always seem to get awkward  responses from people I meet, or barely know.

I am a clumsy person, some days more than others, and this likely gives people the impression I am awkward physically. I also tend to think about things in far more depth than needed, which causes me to completely miss certain social cues, such as subtle jokes, until I seem to be either an idiot, or someone lacking any shred of humor. I also have a slight British accent, which tends to put a tinge of superiority in my voice, when I normally feel rather inferior to most people I know.

One of my friends recently gave me a peek into her mind on a daily basis. She expressed that every action she made, or conversation she had involved a massive amount of mental background noise, criticizing her actions, freaking out about other people’s responses and questioning the best course of action so animatedly, that she feared people would see the awkward freak-outs on her face. Yet, to talk to her, she seems highly composed, confident and reasonable.

In contrast, I only usually think of such situations when separate from people, in analysis of my own actions retrospectively, or thinking ahead to future actions and possible responses. Yet I am seen as a crazy, awkward weirdo. Perhaps it is my propensity to simply live and say what I want to, when I want to, and worry about the consequences later. Although I do not do all I want, I certainly tend to say exactly what I feel or think, even when it may make others uncomfortable or angry.

I’m a work in progress.


The Famous Substitute

Apparently there is to be someone famous teaching my songwriting class tonight, but who that may be, my regular teacher will not say. It could be a truly legendary musician, such as Jim Peterik, (writer of Eye of the Tiger)  who we were lucky enough to meet two years ago in one of my freshman classes. I can never tell if my professor is yanking my chain or not these days. For all I know it could be a teacher I have known well for years.

Either way, two of my classes are canceled tomorrow because my professors will be out of town to examine the newest Pro-tools, and see if it is worth purchasing for our studio. So I’m psyched just to have a shorter school day tomorrow, and to be going to a huge dinner party at my friend Sara’s house.  I should also probably go to the Songwriter’s Guild, since I am the vice president, but I seem to never have the right kind of free time.


Currently spending most of my waking moments thinking about camera shots and scenes. Which is interesting, because I don’t actually know how to shoot a shot, I just have a camera for another 5 hours before I’m required to give it back. I am considering doing a music video of Kate Nash’s “Merry Happy”, since an official one has yet to be made. The more I start to think about it though, the more I wish I had the camera for longer, or had one of my own to do side projects. It seems like everyone nowadays needs a camera, since Youtube has become the new forum where life is explored, critiqued and parodied. I would love to start making videos and posting them there, in order to get a good criticism on my work, but unfortunately all my work currently consists of is 30 seconds of a shot of pearls. I really need to step up my game.

Things that end, things that start

Well, the love quadrangle is officially, I think, disassembled, much to my own consternation and dismay. Despite the creative attempts on the women’s team it seems that the men were completely unreceptive. I still want everyone to go home happy with someone on their arm, but it seems sometimes like crushes are just doomed to failure.

I do realize, however,  that sometimes when people tell each other how they feel, and start from a place of trust and mutual respect, that something beautiful can happen. Two of my very good friends have taken a step towards that, and I am so glad that they seem to be not only on the same playing field, but ecstatic about it. Congrats (so far unofficially) you two!

No, they’re not getting married, they’re just dating. But in college, finding a man worth your time and effort is like finding a shredded receipt from 6 years ago in a landfill. Or, if you dislike metaphors… very, very hard.

I am an awful daughter

This last weekend my mother was over visiting and I offered to let her sleep in my bed, since I was going to be partying most of the night. We watched a movie together, then I spruced up and she got ready for bed, and I left her alone in the apartment. I spent the night living it up, flirting, drinking a bit and having a generally awesome time. I ended up falling asleep at my friend’s house around 4am. At 7:48 am I wake up and instantly check my phone. There are two missed messages from my mother. I instantly call her back, worried about how she’s doing. She tells me that she had to leave early that morning, around 6:30, to drive the four hours home in order to get some boys to church on time. However, since I live in a gated community, she would require an access card in order to leave. That early on a Sunday morning there was no one around, so my mother was forced (after calling me twice with no answer) to hop the pointy, tall fence, suitcase and all, in order to get out of the complex, and home in time.

I am an awful daughter. Possibly the worst. How do I make up for inadvertently forcing my mother to act like an escaping convict from my own apartment?

Other People’s Drama or “The Game”

Since I have been single for over two years now, I have had a more than adequate amount of time to observe other people’s relationships. One relational aspect stays consistent in almost every situation, and this is the Game.

The Game involves anything from two to umpteen players, and involves a complex set of rules that must be strictly adhered to by the advancing team. The receiving team may or may not be aware of the situation, but usually follows a completely different set of rules as a form of defense. Most Games occur in a highly predictable fashion, yet with infinite outcomes. Luckily only two outcomes make a real difference to the players. Requited, or Denied.

For example, the Game is currently being played among my friends as a currently unrequited quadrangle. My friend Sara* likes Chris, who likes my friend Heather, who wants Sara’s roommate, Caleb. The rules initially called for strictest secrecy, a whispered word between myself and Sara, passed on the sly to Heather, in order to initiate motion towards the male team. Although communication between those interested was suggested, the idea was rejected as too direct. Rules continued as followed: instead of professing said emotions, Heather should express her disinterest in Chris, in order to give Sara a better chance. Sara would then do her utmost to convince Caleb to consider Heather as a prospect. However, Caleb has been ignoring Heather for weeks, so the plan seems built without foundation. I had hoped she would recognize this disinterest and cut her losses. This seems to be not the case. So the girls have hatched an elaborate plan involving dinner parties and alcohol to convince the boys to talk to them, and possibly make a move.

Confused? God knows I am. I wish it could be simpler, where a girl who likes a guy just skips the game and straight past drama (do not collect $200) to expressing her feelings and accepting the consequences. It would be so much simpler, but I think we’re all so afraid of rejection that we would rather prolong hope rather than be forced to move on. So we continue playing, and hope someone, someday, will break the rules long enough for us to find the happiness we so desperately seek.

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of friends.